Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
