apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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