Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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