i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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