If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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