Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i've created a new STD.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
