I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
