Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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