I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
