Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
