im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
