I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
