Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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