3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Oh god it's open bar.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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