I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
