i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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