Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
