This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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