Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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