i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
