i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
