Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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