apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
