I hate all girls vehemently.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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