I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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