Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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