My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
