My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got inside last night via doggy door
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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