I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
