i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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