I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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