So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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