How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
