You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
