Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
