can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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