I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
