If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
