you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
