I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
