So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
