i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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