My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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