Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
