Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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