Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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