I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
