Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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