Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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