I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
