We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
