everyone is single if you try hard enough
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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