Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
