Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
