the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
