Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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