There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize