I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You need Xanax blowdarts
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
