Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
