Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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