the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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