The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
