I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
