the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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