Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
