Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
