Please, let me fuck your mom
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
