Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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