i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
